My language offends you?

Yesterday, I posted a tribute of sorts to my friend that recently died, along with some of my own personal thoughts and feelings about death, grief and stuff.

More then a couple of people felt it necessary to tell me I swear too much.  And most of these people have known me for several or more years.

My first reaction (after the initial ‘fuck you’ feeling) was surprise!  “Have you just noticed now?  Like, how long have you known me and interacted with me at intimate and deep levels – and you just now feel it necessary to shine a light on my use of foul language”?

My next pattern of thought became “Shit, I shouldn’t swear so much, it makes people uncomfortable”.  I squashed that thought because I knew it wasn’t me saying that.  It was my inner critic trying to mold me into pleasing others so they feel ok.  And, what I’m learning is, I don’t need to do that anymore.  It’s not my job to make you or anyone else feel ok.  That’s ‘your’ job.  So, I kindly pass the torch to you and your feeling ok.  :)

My final observation was these people totally missed the point of my blog.  My blog wasn’t about profanity or the word ‘fuck’. It was me sharing with you a story about a man who meant a lot to me, that is now dead.  And, it was about me sharing with you my feelings about death and life and the crazy balance we all must live through.   You know, me – Pam, who swears sometimes when she is passionate or releasing emotion.   It saddens me to think all these people are missing the best part of me – it has me wondering if they even really know me at all.

Look past the language people, it’s really not that important – and if it ignites uncomfortable feelings within you which put you in a negative judgmental frame of mind, that’s an invitation for you too look within and discover another piece of yourself.  It actually has nothing to do with me.

Enjoy this hilarious video! (CLICK ‘the swear jar’ hyperlink below)

The Swear Jar

Death, Grief and Stuff

And so it is this circle of life and death.  So often we can intellectualize this reality because it’s not punching us in the stomach and leaving us without air, on an everyday basis.  And then someone dies and you go to the intellectual place of reason.  And then, a few days pass and you start to let down your walls, ask your brain to step aside and you begin to feel it in your heart.

Recently, I lost a friend.  Yes, I know I hadn’t seen him in a few years, but that didn’t affect how deeply his death has touched me.  I guess, maybe we can equate the depth in which we are affected by someone’s death, by the depth in which they touched our lives. (yep, that feels right to me)

This man really touched my life.  He was the kind of friend that always had time for a chat.  He was the kind of friend that offered you the silence you sometimes needed when wrapping your head around an issue.  He was the kind of friend that high fived you on your successes AND high fived you on your losses, because he knew they would be wins eventually.  He was kind, funny, smart, and compassionate and genuinely cared about the people around him.  Those were uncommon traits for people in the environment in which I knew him.

On the last day of my 10 year career for one of the largest companies in the world, I only had 5 minutes to get to my meeting with the VP and Human Resources.  And, although I had co created this reality of leaving my career and walking into the unknown future, it was still such a fear filled change for me.  I had surrendered my career, great salary and benefits in order to be free from the chains that bound me to a soul-less job.  As I walked down the hallway of this building for my formal lay off, I was pulled down a different hallway.  I needed to see DL before I left, as he was the only person I felt I needed to say goodbye to.

And although he was shocked and perplexed as to why this was happening – he made the time to hear and understand me.  I told him how much of a mentor he was to me, how I aspired to be like him in business and how he would be the only person I would miss from this 10 year period of my life.  We gave each other a heart felt hug and he said “Fuck the bastards, Pam”….and I said, “Ya, Fuck them is right DL”.

We shared some emails over the past few years and he was as bright and lovely as ever.  His quick wit, charm and amazing intelligence continued to keep me striving to be more like him.

So, as I write this blog in tribute to my friend DL – I also wanted to share some things I’ve learned about death and grief.

• It’s a crazy mother fucker that’s for sure!  (the grief part anyways – I’m not certain about the death part yet)

• There are no rules, no processes to follow or grades to be had if you do it better than others.  (sounds right up my alley!)

• It allows us to explore our beliefs around death, when normally our day to day routines don’t inspired us to do so

• It gives us permission to be sad – like really sad, not just sad because we haven’t lost that 10 pounds yet, or sad because our lottery numbers haven’t been drawn, or sad because they forgot the mushrooms on the pizza you ordered (fuck, I hate when that happens)

• It inspires us to be more present in our own lives and share with our loved ones on a deeper level

• It offers us an invitation to face our own mortality, and as much as that scares the shit out of most of us, word on the street is we will all be there someday, so it’s probably an invitation we should start accepting and facing more openly.

This social reality in which we all live can really numb us to the mystical wonders of life.  After all, here we are – alive!  I mean, how fuckin’ cool is that??  Lot’s of people forget their aliveness because they are distracted by ‘stuff’.  Stuff from consumable stuff, to emotional stuff to fear based stuff to addiction stuff to career stuff to monetary stuff – you get the drift.

I say fuck the stuff and feel your aliveness.  And while feeling your aliveness, in whatever way you need to do it (without ‘stuff’) remember how amazing being alive really is!!

I mean, somehow you can breathe, without even thinking about it!  And how you can wake up in the middle of the night knowing you have to go to the bathroom – I mean, you were ASLEEP and yet you KNEW THAT!!??  Amazing!!  And how you can recognize your hormonal rage versus real rage and be able to speak gently to yourself knowing that murder doesn’t solve anything.  This truly amazes me some months.  And, how your body receives a good bottle of Californian red wine and knows exactly what to do with it – exactly – like a machine!!!  And your heart can feel love AND pump blood through your body, at the same time – like it can multitask without thinking about it or upgrading its software!  Come on, people this alive thing is outstanding!!  I mean, seriously.

Take a moment to day to remember how great being alive is AND invite yourself to look at death, just for a moment.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing – especially for the dead person, but it can be a strange and painful place for those of us left behind.  However, I think if we were a little less numb to our mystical selves, and a little more awake to the greatness of being alive, we could all find a nice balance that didn’t feel so empty sometimes.

Much love, all ways.

P.

~~ At birth you appear out of nowhere, at death you disappear to nowhere ~~ John O’donohue, Anam Cara

My ‘Crush’

Funny, when I was a little girl I remember having a crush on Jimmy from H. R. Puff n Stuff – that cutie pie Jack Wild with his long hair and warrior Spirit!  I would talk to him regularly at bedtime before I would fall asleep.  We shared jokes and stories – he was my favourite imaginary friend.

As I got older it was Leif Garrett and David Cassidy. The day dreams about what life would be like if they were my boyfriend and I lived in California, not the suburbs of Toronto. As I approached the 80’s – well, you name it; if it had long hair and played guitar, I had a crush on it — oh, I mean him.

Well, I will spare you the decade by decade time line of those that stirred my soul and captured my heart.  The jest of this blog is – I have crushed on many a man I could never have and today is no different.

Times, they have a changed and as I’ve matured and gained wisdom graced by time; my new crush is a dead guy.  He is a brilliant dead guy though!! And I would even go as far as suggesting that maybe he isn’t really dead at all.  His body is gone, yes – but his words and his voice carry on – so loud, so clear and so profoundly.  The first time I read a piece of his work I think I may have stopped breathing for a second or two.

He has touched me as deeply as my first rendezvous with Rumi and Kahlil Gibran.  He is of the same cloth and fiber as these stunning poets and seekers of Spirit and Truth.  He was my major ‘crush’ of 2011 – and I don’t expect that to change in 2012.  In fact, my love affair with this man will most likely carry on until my last breath.

So, if you are wondering who he is, let me begin the introduction with a short excerpt from one of his most famous poems Beannacht (which means Blessing in Gaelic):

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow

wind work these words

of love around you,

an invisible cloak

to mind your life.

And this excerpt  I just have to share (because it touches the heart of every single one of us who has lost someone to Death) from his poem On the Death of a Beloved:

We look towards each other no longer

From the old distance of our names;

Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,

As close to us as we are to ourselves.

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,

We know our soul’s gaze is upon your face,

Smiling back at us from within everything

To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only in memory,

Where we would grow lonely without you.

You would want us to find you in presence,

Beside us when beauty brightens,

When kindness glows

And music echoes eternal tones.

When orchids brighten the earth,

Darkest winter has turned to spring;

May this dark grief flower with hope

In every heart that loves you.

May you continue to inspire us:

To enter each day with a generous heart.

To serve the call of courage and love

Until we see your beautiful face again

In that land where there is no more separation,

Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,

And where we will never lose you again.

His name is John O’donohue.  He was an Irish poet, philosopher and Catholic scholar.  If you don’t know his work, let this be an invitation to a richer experience in your human form.  http://www.johnodonohue.com

He had a lot of nerve checking out of the Earth plane before I had the chance to fantasize a life with him.  However, as most people that know me well can attest to, I usually go for the guys I can’t have.  Now going for a dead guy is a new realm for me, I’m always up for a challenge

Much Love all ways,

P.

Flight 2012

Welcome to Flight number 2012.

We are prepared for take off into the New Year.

At this time, please make sure that your attitude and authentic selves are secure and locked into an upright position.

All self destructive devices should be turned off at this time.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, please remember to breathe.  There is an immeasurable amount of oxygen in the Universe to assist you.  Trust your breath to serve you in these times of altitude change.  Once you have regained your breath, please help those in need who are close in proximity to you.

Our flight time and destination are all undetermined at this time, so please trust that you are on the right flight, at the right time and will land where you need to be.

One Universe Airline would like to thank you for travelling with us and can assure you; you are always loved and taken care of.

I woke up this morning, this first day of 2012 with a great sense of love, trust and calm.  I felt the need to share this vibration with anyone and everyone.

This year will be whatever we want it to be.  Living in the awareness that everything we are experiencing we are creating, gives us permission to let go of the disappointments and choose understanding; to let go of the blame and finger pointing and choose personal responsibility and to let go of the victim inside of us and embrace our personal power.

My wish for all of you is a wonderful and peaceful time on Flight 2012.  Oh, and sorry about all of your baggage – we threw it out once you were securely on board – we knew you wouldn’t be needing it, any longer.

Finding ‘real’…..

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged – and for those of you who have sent emails giving me shit – I’m sorry and will work harder at staying focused and making time for our space together xo

 So, I went on a trip.  A trip of real; real fun, real life, real love and real adventure.  I could replace the word ‘real’ with ‘authentic’ and perhaps that captures the feelings and events of the 4 days I spent in Cape Breton with my beautiful soul friend, Faye.

 On the surface, Faye and I barely know each other – in fact, prior to this trip I had only met Faye 4 times.  And yet, she invited me to her new home in her new Province and the pieces that needed to be organized fell effortlessly into place.  The wonderful man I date gifted me the plane ticket as a Valentines Day gift, my daughter came home for reading week so I wouldn’t have to stress about my 16 year old son having another ‘get together’ at my house when I’m not home and my boss said ‘have a great time off’.

 My flight was an early one.  My cab driver was a wonderful man who had come to Canada 4 years ago from Iraq with his family in search of a better life.  Hearing him speak of the place where he was born, raised and educated had me questioning all the things the media has reported of this war torn and corrupt piece of the world.  I learned something about somewhere I hadn’t known – it was beautiful.

 On the flight, I sat beside Gary.  He was an older gentleman from Texas who was on his way to NFLD to pick up a plane and fly it back to Texas.  In our getting to know each other I found out he was a ‘cloud seeder’.  I had never heard of this before.  Seems this man flies planes all over India, Turkey, Argentina and other places seeding clouds to make it rain, hail or snow.  People do that??  Does everyone know about this practice and was I just asleep when that class was taught in school?  He told me there are several companies out there that help other countries control the weather – its big business – and in his opinion, a very important service to many parts of the world.  More learning for me…

 Faye met me at the airport and our adventure began.  Without going into the events of every day and every night of my trip – let me summarize this experience in a paragraph or two.

 The land is magic.  You would have to be without a pulse or heartbeat not to feel the power in the rolling hills and mountains of this region.  The ocean lends itself to the power of mother earth – it is unforgiving, beautiful and healing all at the same time.  To see it from high above on the Cabot Trail took my breath away and had me in tears.  Its overwhelmingness not lost on this city girl.

 The people of this community possess a love for all that is.  They are kind, compassionate, loving, fun, and good natured.  They can also hold one hell of a party! Many are music makers of varying disciplines and love to entertain us ‘main landers’.  You can feel their guardianship towards the land they call home.  They don’t take this place for granted. The sacredness of this region seems to drive them to be who they are supposed to be and live a life of authentic truths.  Lucky fuckers.  It’s no wonder Faye wanted to live here.  I met some magical people who welcomed me into their homes and lives.  They were real soul friends.

 Imagine a woman in her mid life who up and quits her lucrative position within a well established Canadian corporation; sells her house and her car and leaves her family in order to start a new life in a place quite different from what she is used to.  Most people would call her crazy or unrealistic – I call her brave.  Faye is a courageous woman who has been able to tap into her authentic self and create the path to her truest happiness.  I admire her more than I can put into words.

 Faye is an inspiration to me.  She has shed the illusion of what she thought she was and what people expected her to be, to live a life she has dreamed of – one of purpose and soulfulness.  We should all be so brave and real.

 It was an honour to get to know Faye and this place, on a soul level.  I am forever changed.  I found ‘real’.

Next Page »