More then a couple of people felt it necessary to tell me I swear too much.  And most of these people have known me for several or more years.

My first reaction (after the initial ‘fuck you’ feeling) was surprise!  “Have you just noticed now?  Like, how long have you known me and interacted with me at intimate and deep levels – and you just now feel it necessary to shine a light on my use of foul language”?

My next pattern of thought became “Shit, I shouldn’t swear so much, it makes people uncomfortable”.  I squashed that thought because I knew it wasn’t me saying that.  It was my inner critic trying to mold me into pleasing others so they feel ok.  And, what I’m learning is, I don’t need to do that anymore.  It’s not my job to make you or anyone else feel ok.  That’s ‘your’ job.  So, I kindly pass the torch to you and your feeling ok.  :)

My final observation was these people totally missed the point of my blog.  My blog wasn’t about profanity or the word ‘fuck’. It was me sharing with you a story about a man who meant a lot to me, that is now dead.  And, it was about me sharing with you my feelings about death and life and the crazy balance we all must live through.   You know, me – Pam, who swears sometimes when she is passionate or releasing emotion.   It saddens me to think all these people are missing the best part of me – it has me wondering if they even really know me at all.

Look past the language people, it’s really not that important – and if it ignites uncomfortable feelings within you which put you in a negative judgmental frame of mind, that’s an invitation for you too look within and discover another piece of yourself.  It actually has nothing to do with me.

Enjoy this hilarious video! (CLICK ‘the swear jar’ hyperlink below)

The Swear Jar

Recently, I lost a friend.  Yes, I know I hadn’t seen him in a few years, but that didn’t affect how deeply his death has touched me.  I guess, maybe we can equate the depth in which we are affected by someone’s death, by the depth in which they touched our lives. (yep, that feels right to me)

This man really touched my life.  He was the kind of friend that always had time for a chat.  He was the kind of friend that offered you the silence you sometimes needed when wrapping your head around an issue.  He was the kind of friend that high fived you on your successes AND high fived you on your losses, because he knew they would be wins eventually.  He was kind, funny, smart, and compassionate and genuinely cared about the people around him.  Those were uncommon traits for people in the environment in which I knew him.

On the last day of my 10 year career for one of the largest companies in the world, I only had 5 minutes to get to my meeting with the VP and Human Resources.  And, although I had co created this reality of leaving my career and walking into the unknown future, it was still such a fear filled change for me.  I had surrendered my career, great salary and benefits in order to be free from the chains that bound me to a soul-less job.  As I walked down the hallway of this building for my formal lay off, I was pulled down a different hallway.  I needed to see DL before I left, as he was the only person I felt I needed to say goodbye to.

And although he was shocked and perplexed as to why this was happening – he made the time to hear and understand me.  I told him how much of a mentor he was to me, how I aspired to be like him in business and how he would be the only person I would miss from this 10 year period of my life.  We gave each other a heart felt hug and he said “Fuck the bastards, Pam”….and I said, “Ya, Fuck them is right DL”.

We shared some emails over the past few years and he was as bright and lovely as ever.  His quick wit, charm and amazing intelligence continued to keep me striving to be more like him.

So, as I write this blog in tribute to my friend DL – I also wanted to share some things I’ve learned about death and grief.

• It’s a crazy mother fucker that’s for sure!  (the grief part anyways – I’m not certain about the death part yet)

• There are no rules, no processes to follow or grades to be had if you do it better than others.  (sounds right up my alley!)

• It allows us to explore our beliefs around death, when normally our day to day routines don’t inspired us to do so

• It gives us permission to be sad – like really sad, not just sad because we haven’t lost that 10 pounds yet, or sad because our lottery numbers haven’t been drawn, or sad because they forgot the mushrooms on the pizza you ordered (fuck, I hate when that happens)

• It inspires us to be more present in our own lives and share with our loved ones on a deeper level

• It offers us an invitation to face our own mortality, and as much as that scares the shit out of most of us, word on the street is we will all be there someday, so it’s probably an invitation we should start accepting and facing more openly.

This social reality in which we all live can really numb us to the mystical wonders of life.  After all, here we are – alive!  I mean, how fuckin’ cool is that??  Lot’s of people forget their aliveness because they are distracted by ‘stuff’.  Stuff from consumable stuff, to emotional stuff to fear based stuff to addiction stuff to career stuff to monetary stuff – you get the drift.

I say fuck the stuff and feel your aliveness.  And while feeling your aliveness, in whatever way you need to do it (without ‘stuff’) remember how amazing being alive really is!!

I mean, somehow you can breathe, without even thinking about it!  And how you can wake up in the middle of the night knowing you have to go to the bathroom – I mean, you were ASLEEP and yet you KNEW THAT!!??  Amazing!!  And how you can recognize your hormonal rage versus real rage and be able to speak gently to yourself knowing that murder doesn’t solve anything.  This truly amazes me some months.  And, how your body receives a good bottle of Californian red wine and knows exactly what to do with it – exactly – like a machine!!!  And your heart can feel love AND pump blood through your body, at the same time – like it can multitask without thinking about it or upgrading its software!  Come on, people this alive thing is outstanding!!  I mean, seriously.

Take a moment to day to remember how great being alive is AND invite yourself to look at death, just for a moment.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing – especially for the dead person, but it can be a strange and painful place for those of us left behind.  However, I think if we were a little less numb to our mystical selves, and a little more awake to the greatness of being alive, we could all find a nice balance that didn’t feel so empty sometimes.

Much love, all ways.

P.

~~ At birth you appear out of nowhere, at death you disappear to nowhere ~~ John O’donohue, Anam Cara

He had a lot of nerve checking out of the Earth plane before I had the chance to fantasize a life with him, however, I can make do with the Spirit realm

Funny, when I was a little girl I remember having a crush on Jimmy from H. R. Puff n Stuff – that cutie pie Jack Wild with his long hair and warrior Spirit!  I would talk to him regularly at bedtime before I would fall asleep.  We shared jokes and stories – he was my favourite imaginary friend.

As I got older it was Leif Garrett and David Cassidy. The day dreams about what life would be like if they were my boyfriend and I lived in California, not the suburbs of Toronto. As I approached the 80’s – well, you name it; if it had long hair and played guitar, I had a crush on it — oh, I mean him.

Well, I will spare you the decade by decade time line of those that stirred my soul and captured my heart.  The jest of this blog is – I have crushed on many a man I could never have and today is no different.

Times, they have a changed and as I’ve matured and gained wisdom graced by time; my new crush is a dead guy.  He is a brilliant dead guy though!! And I would even go as far as suggesting that maybe he isn’t really dead at all.  His body is gone, yes – but his words and his voice carry on – so loud, so clear and so profoundly.  The first time I read a piece of his work I think I may have stopped breathing for a second or two.

He has touched me as deeply as my first rendezvous with Rumi and Kahlil Gibran.  He is of the same cloth and fiber as these stunning poets and seekers of Spirit and Truth.  He was my major ‘crush’ of 2011 – and I don’t expect that to change in 2012.  In fact, my love affair with this man will most likely carry on until my last breath.

So, if you are wondering who he is, let me begin the introduction with a short excerpt from one of his most famous poems Beannacht (which means Blessing in Gaelic):

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow

wind work these words

of love around you,

an invisible cloak

to mind your life.

And this excerpt  I just have to share (because it touches the heart of every single one of us who has lost someone to Death) from his poem On the Death of a Beloved:

We look towards each other no longer

From the old distance of our names;

Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,

As close to us as we are to ourselves.

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,

We know our soul’s gaze is upon your face,

Smiling back at us from within everything

To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only in memory,

Where we would grow lonely without you.

You would want us to find you in presence,

Beside us when beauty brightens,

When kindness glows

And music echoes eternal tones.

When orchids brighten the earth,

Darkest winter has turned to spring;

May this dark grief flower with hope

In every heart that loves you.

May you continue to inspire us:

To enter each day with a generous heart.

To serve the call of courage and love

Until we see your beautiful face again

In that land where there is no more separation,

Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,

And where we will never lose you again.

His name is John O’donohue.  He was an Irish poet, philosopher and Catholic scholar.  If you don’t know his work, let this be an invitation to a richer experience in your human form.  http://www.johnodonohue.com

He had a lot of nerve checking out of the Earth plane before I had the chance to fantasize a life with him.  However, as most people that know me well can attest to, I usually go for the guys I can’t have.  Now going for a dead guy is a new realm for me, I’m always up for a challenge

Much Love all ways,

P.

We are prepared for take off into the New Year.

At this time, please make sure that your attitude and authentic selves are secure and locked into an upright position.

All self destructive devices should be turned off at this time.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, please remember to breathe.  There is an immeasurable amount of oxygen in the Universe to assist you.  Trust your breath to serve you in these times of altitude change.  Once you have regained your breath, please help those in need who are close in proximity to you.

Our flight time and destination are all undetermined at this time, so please trust that you are on the right flight, at the right time and will land where you need to be.

One Universe Airline would like to thank you for travelling with us and can assure you; you are always loved and taken care of.

I woke up this morning, this first day of 2012 with a great sense of love, trust and calm.  I felt the need to share this vibration with anyone and everyone.

This year will be whatever we want it to be.  Living in the awareness that everything we are experiencing we are creating, gives us permission to let go of the disappointments and choose understanding; to let go of the blame and finger pointing and choose personal responsibility and to let go of the victim inside of us and embrace our personal power.

My wish for all of you is a wonderful and peaceful time on Flight 2012.  Oh, and sorry about all of your baggage – we threw it out once you were securely on board – we knew you wouldn’t be needing it, any longer.

 So, I went on a trip.  A trip of real; real fun, real life, real love and real adventure.  I could replace the word ‘real’ with ‘authentic’ and perhaps that captures the feelings and events of the 4 days I spent in Cape Breton with my beautiful soul friend, Faye.

 On the surface, Faye and I barely know each other – in fact, prior to this trip I had only met Faye 4 times.  And yet, she invited me to her new home in her new Province and the pieces that needed to be organized fell effortlessly into place.  The wonderful man I date gifted me the plane ticket as a Valentines Day gift, my daughter came home for reading week so I wouldn’t have to stress about my 16 year old son having another ‘get together’ at my house when I’m not home and my boss said ‘have a great time off’.

 My flight was an early one.  My cab driver was a wonderful man who had come to Canada 4 years ago from Iraq with his family in search of a better life.  Hearing him speak of the place where he was born, raised and educated had me questioning all the things the media has reported of this war torn and corrupt piece of the world.  I learned something about somewhere I hadn’t known – it was beautiful.

 On the flight, I sat beside Gary.  He was an older gentleman from Texas who was on his way to NFLD to pick up a plane and fly it back to Texas.  In our getting to know each other I found out he was a ‘cloud seeder’.  I had never heard of this before.  Seems this man flies planes all over India, Turkey, Argentina and other places seeding clouds to make it rain, hail or snow.  People do that??  Does everyone know about this practice and was I just asleep when that class was taught in school?  He told me there are several companies out there that help other countries control the weather – its big business – and in his opinion, a very important service to many parts of the world.  More learning for me…

 Faye met me at the airport and our adventure began.  Without going into the events of every day and every night of my trip – let me summarize this experience in a paragraph or two.

 The land is magic.  You would have to be without a pulse or heartbeat not to feel the power in the rolling hills and mountains of this region.  The ocean lends itself to the power of mother earth – it is unforgiving, beautiful and healing all at the same time.  To see it from high above on the Cabot Trail took my breath away and had me in tears.  Its overwhelmingness not lost on this city girl.

 The people of this community possess a love for all that is.  They are kind, compassionate, loving, fun, and good natured.  They can also hold one hell of a party! Many are music makers of varying disciplines and love to entertain us ‘main landers’.  You can feel their guardianship towards the land they call home.  They don’t take this place for granted. The sacredness of this region seems to drive them to be who they are supposed to be and live a life of authentic truths.  Lucky fuckers.  It’s no wonder Faye wanted to live here.  I met some magical people who welcomed me into their homes and lives.  They were real soul friends.

 Imagine a woman in her mid life who up and quits her lucrative position within a well established Canadian corporation; sells her house and her car and leaves her family in order to start a new life in a place quite different from what she is used to.  Most people would call her crazy or unrealistic – I call her brave.  Faye is a courageous woman who has been able to tap into her authentic self and create the path to her truest happiness.  I admire her more than I can put into words.

 Faye is an inspiration to me.  She has shed the illusion of what she thought she was and what people expected her to be, to live a life she has dreamed of – one of purpose and soulfulness.  We should all be so brave and real.

 It was an honour to get to know Faye and this place, on a soul level.  I am forever changed.  I found ‘real’.

A is for ATTENTION

The very first step in attracting more money into your life is to be sure you are focusing on abundance – always! Most of us do the opposite; we focus on everything that is going wrong in our lives. Unfortunately, all that does is attract more of the same.

How do you focus on abundance every day? Be *very deliberate* about where you place your attention and make it a daily habit to purposely focus on abundance. You can do this by thinking happily about the abundance you already have, or you can visualize the abundance you know is coming to you soon. You can focus on feeling grateful for everything in your life, and listing dozens of reasons why you are so glad to have them. Believe it or not, you can focus on ANYTHING that makes you feel happy and abundant and you will be moving yourself into an abundance mind-set.

If you do happen to catch yourself focusing on problems or financial lack, worrying or stressing about anything, immediately switch your focus back to abundance again.

This definitely takes practice; remember that your thoughts may habitually keep returning to lack, scarcity and negativity for awhile. Don’t get upset about it; simply notice when you do it and then firmly shift your focus back to some expression of abundance. The more you do this, the better you’re going to get at controlling those scattered thoughts, and eventually your habit will be to focus on abundance instead of lack.

B is for BELIEF

Beyond focusing more intently on abundance you also need to use the power of your belief to attract money into your life, and you do this by affirming over and over again that more abundance is coming to you.

Have you ever noticed that most people use the power of belief in the other way? They affirm bitterly that things will never get better for them; that things always go wrong for them; that they are “cursed” to live a life of struggle.

If you have ever done this, begin turning it around right now! Here are some things you can say to start building a stronger belief in abundance:

“I know that somehow the universe will help me be more abundant.”
“I believe that I deserve more abundance.”
“I trust the universe to provide everything I need.”
“I know that great things are coming to me now.”
“I attract money easily and allow it into my life now.”

It may take time to build your belief, but once it reaches a certain level you should notice outer changes happening too.

C is for CONSISTENCY

One of the most common ways people fail to attract money is by giving up too soon! They work at it for a few days, maybe a few weeks, and when results don’t come immediately they conclude it didn’t work.

If they only knew that they were probably *this close* to seeing results!

Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and commit to working at it for at LEAST 30 days – even if it doesn’t seem to work right away. The more consistent and persistent you are, the bigger and more frequent your results should be too.

And on a lighter note, my other resolution is to get my LAZY ass to a fitness class starting January 4th. 

 Are you ready to let go of the things that didn’t serve you this past year? What will you be manifesting for the New Year ahead?  Have you made your list?  

 I got a note from the Universe the other day and it said:

When driving down the road of life rarely do we know how good we have it, until we see it in the rear-view mirror.  I’m not suggesting we should look back now, but I want to remind you that where you are today is far more amazing than you probably realize in this moment.

 How true is that?

 No matter who or where you are in your life – may you recognize your greatness in this coming year.  May you sense your magnificence in every moment and every breath.

 Thank you for being a part of my circle this past year and for many years to come.

 Magical wishes for all of you!

 I honestly never gave dying too much thought, until I started volunteering for Hospice Toronto.  During my training, I had the amazing opportunity to spend 8 hours a week for months, talking about death.  Listening to the front line workers (Palliative nurses, doctors, personal support workers and families) discussing the different steps one faces during their last months, weeks, days and moments on this earth.  Each phase of dying different then the next but all with the same outcome; all from different perspectives. 

 It certainly gave me much to think about and contemplate.  What would I want my death to look like?  What would I want to say to my family and friends; what would I need them to know before I left?  Would I be afraid?  Would my belief systems be strong enough to see me through the final moments of my last breaths without fear?  All of which are really great questions.  And, if you think about it – so many folks get taken from this earth without the luxury of time and contemplation of these ever so important things.  So, much to the protest of my kids – I wanted to talk about dying more and more.

 The adage of ‘living each day like it’s your last’ has a lot more meaning to me now.  The small shit in life which use to occupy my mind, has no place there any more.  Should you ever need a reminder of how great you have it, do yourself a favour and visit a long term health facility filled with lonely elders with no purpose left to them, other than counting days (and maybe some points on a cribbage board); or go down to the Hospital for Sick Children and wander the halls looking at the faces of parents so distraught and exhausted and the kids so sick and desperate for a day without the reality they face. 

 Truly, the art of dying teaches us the art of living.  And if we were to spend some time in the reality we will all one day leave this planet; either slowly with time to prepare or quickly without that luxury – the truth is we would be much better people.  We would live as we were meant to – caring about the important things like love, compassion and happiness.  We would prepare, we would communicate and we would die with a lot less regret and those left behind us, would be better equipped to let us go.  

 Death is a wonderful teacher!

“ Western laziness consists of cramming our lives with compulsive activity, so that there is no time at all to confront the real issues.  We are fragmented into so many different aspects. We don’t know who we really are, or what aspects of ourselves we should identify with or believe in. So many contradictory voices, dictates, and feelings fight for control over our inner lives that we find ourselves scattered everywhere, in all directions, leaving nobody at home.”  Sogyal Rinpoche (The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying)

Change is everywhere; the economy, technology, family dynamics, jobs and the list could go on.  Change is happening faster than at any time in human history we no longer have the luxury of adapting to it gradually.  We can’t control it but we can control how we react to it.

 Flexibility is important, when it comes to managing change.  Remaining open-minded, calm and focused are also key ingredients to a recipe for smooth transition.  

 I have this picture on a shelf in my living room and it says:

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

It reminds me how important it is to manage the changes in my life with a positive and lighthearted approach.  My life has been full of changes – many of which have been not so pleasant.  People have often said to me ‘how do you stay so positive’?  I guess the answer is I just do.  I don’t really know how exactly, it’s just a choice I make.  I’d rather have happy thoughts occupy my mind over negative depressing ones. 

Change reminds me I’m alive and not just a spectator of my life.

Life is change – Growth is optional.

 The past couple of weeks have been a little hectic for me…Can you relate? If only I had time, I would have my desk in order, my email folders set up, my projects prioritized, my meetings arranged, my phone calls answered, my workouts all done, my vacations set, my binders organized, my questions asked and answered, my daily tasks accomplished, my kids colds cured, my friends taken care of, my work done, my life in balance, my house in order, my problem pile finished, my website fixed, my legs shaved, and my mind all clear by bedtime, if there’s even time for sleep! **PHEW**

 When I hear myself saying ‘there’s not enough time in the day’ it’s a good indicator I need to stop; I need to breathe; I need to wait to feel the calm that comes from focus.  I remind myself everything will get done, when it gets done.  The world won’t end, the sun won’t stop shining and the earth won’t stop turning if my list of ‘stuff’ doesn’t all get accomplished in the time I’ve put aside for it.  I need to take my list of ‘stuff’ and reprioritize it and mostly, I need to take some time for me – because I’m certainly never on that ‘list of things to do’!

 So, the bad news is time flies. But the good news is you’re the pilot.